Imagine this: You’re walking down the street, one day, and you encounter a pipe. It looks like any normal pipe you may encounter in your day to day travels. So you think nothing of jumping over this pipe.
But as you do – something emerges! You just barely manage to avoid the creature. You realize it has chomped off a bit of your pants, right over your ass. You briefly look back to see if it is following you – but the creature seems anchored to that spot. So you stand just out of chomping reach and examine the creature.
Oh yes, you remember now – your momma told you about those things. She warned you to stay away, lest you lose a finger, a testicle or even a life. What did she call them again? Oh yeah, Piranha Plants. Horrible things, momma always said.
But… it’s just so CUTE. You just want to take it home and cuddle it. It’s probably just misunderstood. Surely it only tries to bite because it’s hungry and lonely. If you could just take it home somehow… feed it and care for it… it wouldn’t need to act this way.
Determined, you run home and grab your saw. As you run back toward the door, your mom steps in front of you and yells; “Boy, whatchu doin with that saw? Where you goin? What happened to your pants?!”
“Momma I’m a grown ass man,” you yell back. “I’m gonna cut through a pipe and bring one of those Piranha Plants home for a pet – and YOU CAN’T STOP ME.”
“Now I don’t know who you think you is now,” your mom says sternly, “but I ain’t puttin up with no live Piranha Plants in my house. You want one of those things, you gotta get a dead one. All done up with stuffing and junk, like, whatdayacall it? Taxi derby. Then they won’t be bittin your ass off.”
Your mom pulls out her phone and goes to CraftOtaku’s store, where you see a stuffed Piranha Plant.
Your eyes light up. The saw falls to the floor, but you don’t notice. “You mean I can have all of the cuteness… with none of the ass chomping? Is it really true momma?!”
Now maybe your mom doesn’t answer because the saw fell on her foot. So I’ll tell you:
Yes, it’s true. You can get your very own lovable, cuddly Piranha Plant. Made out of yarn, with spots and teeth of felt – so the ass chomping doesn’t hurt. Your Piranha Plant will have a possible neck/stem and leaves, allowing you to put him into a variety of positions. He will have a weighted base, allowing him to stand on his own. He will be just over a foot tall (when the head is straight up), with a pipe that is 14″ wide, and a head that is 14″ wide at the widest part. And most of all – he’ll have undying love for you.
Warning: Keep smaller toys out of reach of the Piranha Plant!
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